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How to tell a new partner you're waiting until marriage to have sex.

From our guest writers at

It goes without saying, that having sex too soon likely ruins things. It puts a big fat pressure valve on your expectations for where things are going in the relationship. You want something deeper? Then... don't have sex yet.

Your decision to wait until marriage to get physical is worthy of celebration. You are a 21st century unicorn, and I salute you.

Alas, I also feel for you. Choosing celibacy is like pretending you're not hungry when you haven't eaten in 4 days. As the poet Rumi says, "between angel and animal is the son of man to struggle". It's difficult, but when you finally do "eat", you know it's going to be incredible.

So... how do you say this to the new guy you're dating?

It all depends on the strength of your conviction. Don't deny your sex drive, or the fact that you've probably thought about how it would feel to be that intimate with him.

Here are some questions to ask yourself as you approach the conversation with your new partner:

  1. What is their conviction about sex reserved for marriage?

The only reason you might be sweating this conversation is because you're not convinced they feel the same way.

  1. If they agree, proceed with immense relief! Congratulations. You can continue dating each other enjoying sexless romance and friendship, and have a star-gazing clear, panoramic view of your compatibility with each other.

  2. If they don't agree, and your conviction to remain celibate is strong, you will need to evaluate whether they will accept influence from your conviction or try to change your mind.

Here is a little script of how you might say it:

Assuming you have gotten to know each other for at least 3 dates, and your physical and emotional chemistry is on track, it's likely that he's already tried to kiss you.

Let's say things are getting a little steamy, so you stop him mid make-out and say: "I think we should slow down, before we do something we regret."

Him: "What do you mean?"

You: "I like kissing you, but that's all I want to do. If we go further than this we won't know if it's right."

Him: [something about wanting to go further physically].

You: I want to be fair to both of us. I know that getting physical too quickly will cloud your head about me. This could be something real, and I want to give us a shot.

Him: So you want to wait?

You: Yes, until marriage.

Ok - so I understand that the script won't go exactly like that. However the rationale for waiting until marriage to have sex is that you want minimal distractions for both of you to truly assess compatibility.

Feeling bold? Write your other heart convictions here in the comments.



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